I visited your grave today-
And all of the words I'd wanted to say;
Quietly formed into a frantic storm...
I'm so angry and yet they word barely describes
The self imposed isolation and halfhearted replies...
How could you leave me;
And not say goodbye?
To be forever be haunted
By an arrival too late...
I missed your last breaths; and the smell of your hair-
the color of your eyes, and soul-shattering prayer...
I know I should be happy;
With your brothers doing so well-
But I was to have three babies to care for; this shift too unreal...
I feed two babies, swaddle and kiss them at every chance,
Praying to a god I'm not sure exists...
To let them come home...
I cant live like this...
But my broken heart shatters,
Even more each time;
My baby boy Liam; you should be beside
Your brothers as they grow bigger each day...
Another milestone achieved and yet my heart swells inside;
Even tho broken, it swells with pride.
I quickly snap back, and remember my place...
For I'm not at the hospital; I'm alone at your side..
Knowing there is no comfort my arms can provide,
The irrational thoughts
Race thru my mind...
So much of me is with you, there buried inside.
And so in the sane moments of bereaved mothers soul;
I whisper I love you and promise you so...
To someday rejoin you...and smell you sweet hair;
No final prayer, no words of despair.
But that day is not to be,
I place flowers lovingly in the vase in the grass
Staring at the spot where my soul lies underground.
All of these thoughts are swirling inside;
This desperate mom's mind;
As I contemplate the life I was unable to save...
All of these thoughts...
When I visit your grave....
Monday, August 29, 2011
Thank You.
Simply doing your job you say-
Saving my babies lives...
You "do the best you can" you say,
And yet the days go by....
A month spent, each hour on the edge...
By simply doing your job each day,
And going far above...
Any call to duty, or responsibility of-
Thank you alone will never fulfill
The debt I owe to you-
For you not only saved my babies lives....
You also saved mine too.
Saving my babies lives...
You "do the best you can" you say,
And yet the days go by....
A month spent, each hour on the edge...
By simply doing your job each day,
And going far above...
Any call to duty, or responsibility of-
Thank you alone will never fulfill
The debt I owe to you-
For you not only saved my babies lives....
You also saved mine too.
Godspeed...
| ||
|
Sunday, August 21, 2011
One Month
Today marks a somber anniversary...
One month since you've been gone.
And the question still haunts me, and more so today...
This quote I found describes to a fault, the emotions wrestled
By this broken-hearted mother....
"Part of me, deep and secret, lies with you in a maternal embrace.
Just long enough to engrave forever in my heart a question-
What would you have given this world if not your life?"
-Carol J. Curtis
One month since you've been gone.
And the question still haunts me, and more so today...
This quote I found describes to a fault, the emotions wrestled
By this broken-hearted mother....
"Part of me, deep and secret, lies with you in a maternal embrace.
Just long enough to engrave forever in my heart a question-
What would you have given this world if not your life?"
-Carol J. Curtis
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Eve of..
I last held my Liam
One month ago today.
And left the hospital early...
For an appointment that day.
If only I had known, if only I had stayed...
My little lone ranger would have heard one morc time,
How much I love him.
Even upon telling him one million times,
There is no way to express the fire inside...
I was awakened the next morning,
By that fateful call.
The next time I held my Liam,
It was far to late-
I felt his warm body slowly releasing his life,
An eerie still coldness slowly taking it's place.
I left my baby alone that night
Returning to find him dead by daylight.
Oh, dear baby- wherever you are,
I hope you know how loved you are.
One month ago today.
And left the hospital early...
For an appointment that day.
If only I had known, if only I had stayed...
My little lone ranger would have heard one morc time,
How much I love him.
Even upon telling him one million times,
There is no way to express the fire inside...
I was awakened the next morning,
By that fateful call.
The next time I held my Liam,
It was far to late-
I felt his warm body slowly releasing his life,
An eerie still coldness slowly taking it's place.
I left my baby alone that night
Returning to find him dead by daylight.
Oh, dear baby- wherever you are,
I hope you know how loved you are.
Friday, August 19, 2011
The Night
So many often comment
On my fortitude and resolve...
So I guess the facade is working,
Carefully crafted and rehearsed
To show that "I'm okay,"
Removing the awkwardness of others,
Not knowing what to say.
Like conversational niceties exchanged in a grocery line-
"So how are you feeling,"...My answer resigned.
Restrained to politely responding
"I'm coping..day to day."
Pleased with the answer they received in response
To a question so complicated,
And haunts my every thought.
For no one dare ask, "and how are your nights?"
The facade is designed, ingenious it seems-
To comfort well-wishers with one simple line.
The days are easier, and easily filled
With babies to hold and errands and bills:
Dreading the nightfall, as the hours give way
As the inevitable darkness closes the day.
The rise of the moon
Sets down my defenses.
Long evenings empty, though not alone..
My husband, so lovingly tries
To catch the silent tears as they stream from my eyes.
Although I know he wishes in vain,
So desperately tries to remove my pain.
As I watch my husband sleep, I too wish I could share that retreat...
With nothing to do to occupy the dark hours of night,
My anxious mind races thru thoughts
Of dark, haunted places.
Thoughts of what was, what never will be...
The person I was seems so foreign to me.
Now is the time to make the decision,
To become the person I'd always envisioned.
This forever changed soul,
Residing within this familiar shell..
Can contemplate heaven
After living thru hell.
The dark lonely night, the tragedy of death,
The excruciating pain, the emptiness left.
Each breath a reminder, each minute of despair
I now start to feel a charge in the air...
The sunrise came early, though did not close the night-
A sickness enveloped me as I sat in stunned contemplation,
My priorities now under review, so deeply disgusted by what was uncovered.
My view of self, a topic avoided, as to not come to terms
With this person I created....
I allowed it to happen, openly giving permission
To nameless faces in positions of power-
Eagerly seeking the next rung on the ladder.
As I reflect alone here in the dark,
My life in chaos, asking myself as to what was gained,
But more importantly lost...
Confidence destroyed, abilities debated, friendships ruined, and relationships negated.
Deriving my only sense of self worth thru titles bestowed
By corporate shot callers,
Displaying no soul.
I am more than what I had become,
And repulsed at how this realization occurred...
The death of my son shattered my world,
But the design and construction are mine to create,
And rebuild a new world I might slowly believe in.
A quiet calm quickly came then passed,
For maybe tonight I would be able to rest..
Nightmares don't scare me, my boogeyman gone...
I'm slowly looking forward to uncover
What will quietly become
A new form of normal...
Slowly discovered.
So not today, or even tomorrow
Not in time easily measured...
But maybe, just maybe when asked how I'm doing,
A genuine reply, no pretense or facade..
The answer will come from the person I'm becoming.
On my fortitude and resolve...
So I guess the facade is working,
Carefully crafted and rehearsed
To show that "I'm okay,"
Removing the awkwardness of others,
Not knowing what to say.
Like conversational niceties exchanged in a grocery line-
"So how are you feeling,"...My answer resigned.
Restrained to politely responding
"I'm coping..day to day."
Pleased with the answer they received in response
To a question so complicated,
And haunts my every thought.
For no one dare ask, "and how are your nights?"
The facade is designed, ingenious it seems-
To comfort well-wishers with one simple line.
The days are easier, and easily filled
With babies to hold and errands and bills:
Dreading the nightfall, as the hours give way
As the inevitable darkness closes the day.
The rise of the moon
Sets down my defenses.
Long evenings empty, though not alone..
My husband, so lovingly tries
To catch the silent tears as they stream from my eyes.
Although I know he wishes in vain,
So desperately tries to remove my pain.
As I watch my husband sleep, I too wish I could share that retreat...
With nothing to do to occupy the dark hours of night,
My anxious mind races thru thoughts
Of dark, haunted places.
Thoughts of what was, what never will be...
The person I was seems so foreign to me.
Now is the time to make the decision,
To become the person I'd always envisioned.
This forever changed soul,
Residing within this familiar shell..
Can contemplate heaven
After living thru hell.
The dark lonely night, the tragedy of death,
The excruciating pain, the emptiness left.
Each breath a reminder, each minute of despair
I now start to feel a charge in the air...
The sunrise came early, though did not close the night-
A sickness enveloped me as I sat in stunned contemplation,
My priorities now under review, so deeply disgusted by what was uncovered.
My view of self, a topic avoided, as to not come to terms
With this person I created....
I allowed it to happen, openly giving permission
To nameless faces in positions of power-
Eagerly seeking the next rung on the ladder.
As I reflect alone here in the dark,
My life in chaos, asking myself as to what was gained,
But more importantly lost...
Confidence destroyed, abilities debated, friendships ruined, and relationships negated.
Deriving my only sense of self worth thru titles bestowed
By corporate shot callers,
Displaying no soul.
I am more than what I had become,
And repulsed at how this realization occurred...
The death of my son shattered my world,
But the design and construction are mine to create,
And rebuild a new world I might slowly believe in.
A quiet calm quickly came then passed,
For maybe tonight I would be able to rest..
Nightmares don't scare me, my boogeyman gone...
I'm slowly looking forward to uncover
What will quietly become
A new form of normal...
Slowly discovered.
So not today, or even tomorrow
Not in time easily measured...
But maybe, just maybe when asked how I'm doing,
A genuine reply, no pretense or facade..
The answer will come from the person I'm becoming.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
What's In A Name?
Written so proudly
With a blue or red crayon;
The endearing art rendered
By a preschooler's hand...
So freely given; So eagerly received.
The bottom right corner, signed with your name...
Your driver's license;
And very first ticket...
A love letter...
Term paper...
Hastily written....
Your high school diploma;
Your college degree...
A wedding invitation;
With you as the groom...
Birth announcements;
Heralding a child...
The pride derived from watching your baby
Find his own way...
So passionately thought thru;
And anxiously discussed
Between the father;
And rapidly expanding mother.
Lovingly crafted for the baby inside her.
As they sit on the sofa, in gentle embrace;
These parents discuss this new life to discover...
Carefully designated, so proudly bestowed.
Of all of the dreams
And wishes for thee...
All of the places
We longed for your name to be...
Yet none of this will ever be;
As your beloved life
Was taken from me.
The life envisioned
Has been replaced;
The dreams for Liam Matthew
Forever held in place.
Your name will now forever be;
In the one place it should never see...
Eerily etched in granite block;
Denoting your eternal resting spot.
This granite monument now marks your name;
In a perfectly spaced designer font...
Not only signaling where your body lay;
But where our dreams for you are buried away.
For nothing can ever, ever replace
The handcrafted name
A crayon can create.
-Julie
With a blue or red crayon;
The endearing art rendered
By a preschooler's hand...
So freely given; So eagerly received.
The bottom right corner, signed with your name...
Your driver's license;
And very first ticket...
A love letter...
Term paper...
Hastily written....
Your high school diploma;
Your college degree...
A wedding invitation;
With you as the groom...
Birth announcements;
Heralding a child...
The pride derived from watching your baby
Find his own way...
So passionately thought thru;
And anxiously discussed
Between the father;
And rapidly expanding mother.
Lovingly crafted for the baby inside her.
As they sit on the sofa, in gentle embrace;
These parents discuss this new life to discover...
Carefully designated, so proudly bestowed.
Of all of the dreams
And wishes for thee...
All of the places
We longed for your name to be...
Yet none of this will ever be;
As your beloved life
Was taken from me.
The life envisioned
Has been replaced;
The dreams for Liam Matthew
Forever held in place.
Your name will now forever be;
In the one place it should never see...
Eerily etched in granite block;
Denoting your eternal resting spot.
This granite monument now marks your name;
In a perfectly spaced designer font...
Not only signaling where your body lay;
But where our dreams for you are buried away.
For nothing can ever, ever replace
The handcrafted name
A crayon can create.
-Julie
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