I visited your grave today-
And all of the words I'd wanted to say;
Quietly formed into a frantic storm...
I'm so angry and yet they word barely describes
The self imposed isolation and halfhearted replies...
How could you leave me;
And not say goodbye?
To be forever be haunted
By an arrival too late...
I missed your last breaths; and the smell of your hair-
the color of your eyes, and soul-shattering prayer...
I know I should be happy;
With your brothers doing so well-
But I was to have three babies to care for; this shift too unreal...
I feed two babies, swaddle and kiss them at every chance,
Praying to a god I'm not sure exists...
To let them come home...
I cant live like this...
But my broken heart shatters,
Even more each time;
My baby boy Liam; you should be beside
Your brothers as they grow bigger each day...
Another milestone achieved and yet my heart swells inside;
Even tho broken, it swells with pride.
I quickly snap back, and remember my place...
For I'm not at the hospital; I'm alone at your side..
Knowing there is no comfort my arms can provide,
The irrational thoughts
Race thru my mind...
So much of me is with you, there buried inside.
And so in the sane moments of bereaved mothers soul;
I whisper I love you and promise you so...
To someday rejoin you...and smell you sweet hair;
No final prayer, no words of despair.
But that day is not to be,
I place flowers lovingly in the vase in the grass
Staring at the spot where my soul lies underground.
All of these thoughts are swirling inside;
This desperate mom's mind;
As I contemplate the life I was unable to save...
All of these thoughts...
When I visit your grave....
Monday, August 29, 2011
Thank You.
Simply doing your job you say-
Saving my babies lives...
You "do the best you can" you say,
And yet the days go by....
A month spent, each hour on the edge...
By simply doing your job each day,
And going far above...
Any call to duty, or responsibility of-
Thank you alone will never fulfill
The debt I owe to you-
For you not only saved my babies lives....
You also saved mine too.
Saving my babies lives...
You "do the best you can" you say,
And yet the days go by....
A month spent, each hour on the edge...
By simply doing your job each day,
And going far above...
Any call to duty, or responsibility of-
Thank you alone will never fulfill
The debt I owe to you-
For you not only saved my babies lives....
You also saved mine too.
Godspeed...
| ||
|
Sunday, August 21, 2011
One Month
Today marks a somber anniversary...
One month since you've been gone.
And the question still haunts me, and more so today...
This quote I found describes to a fault, the emotions wrestled
By this broken-hearted mother....
"Part of me, deep and secret, lies with you in a maternal embrace.
Just long enough to engrave forever in my heart a question-
What would you have given this world if not your life?"
-Carol J. Curtis
One month since you've been gone.
And the question still haunts me, and more so today...
This quote I found describes to a fault, the emotions wrestled
By this broken-hearted mother....
"Part of me, deep and secret, lies with you in a maternal embrace.
Just long enough to engrave forever in my heart a question-
What would you have given this world if not your life?"
-Carol J. Curtis
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Eve of..
I last held my Liam
One month ago today.
And left the hospital early...
For an appointment that day.
If only I had known, if only I had stayed...
My little lone ranger would have heard one morc time,
How much I love him.
Even upon telling him one million times,
There is no way to express the fire inside...
I was awakened the next morning,
By that fateful call.
The next time I held my Liam,
It was far to late-
I felt his warm body slowly releasing his life,
An eerie still coldness slowly taking it's place.
I left my baby alone that night
Returning to find him dead by daylight.
Oh, dear baby- wherever you are,
I hope you know how loved you are.
One month ago today.
And left the hospital early...
For an appointment that day.
If only I had known, if only I had stayed...
My little lone ranger would have heard one morc time,
How much I love him.
Even upon telling him one million times,
There is no way to express the fire inside...
I was awakened the next morning,
By that fateful call.
The next time I held my Liam,
It was far to late-
I felt his warm body slowly releasing his life,
An eerie still coldness slowly taking it's place.
I left my baby alone that night
Returning to find him dead by daylight.
Oh, dear baby- wherever you are,
I hope you know how loved you are.
Friday, August 19, 2011
The Night
So many often comment
On my fortitude and resolve...
So I guess the facade is working,
Carefully crafted and rehearsed
To show that "I'm okay,"
Removing the awkwardness of others,
Not knowing what to say.
Like conversational niceties exchanged in a grocery line-
"So how are you feeling,"...My answer resigned.
Restrained to politely responding
"I'm coping..day to day."
Pleased with the answer they received in response
To a question so complicated,
And haunts my every thought.
For no one dare ask, "and how are your nights?"
The facade is designed, ingenious it seems-
To comfort well-wishers with one simple line.
The days are easier, and easily filled
With babies to hold and errands and bills:
Dreading the nightfall, as the hours give way
As the inevitable darkness closes the day.
The rise of the moon
Sets down my defenses.
Long evenings empty, though not alone..
My husband, so lovingly tries
To catch the silent tears as they stream from my eyes.
Although I know he wishes in vain,
So desperately tries to remove my pain.
As I watch my husband sleep, I too wish I could share that retreat...
With nothing to do to occupy the dark hours of night,
My anxious mind races thru thoughts
Of dark, haunted places.
Thoughts of what was, what never will be...
The person I was seems so foreign to me.
Now is the time to make the decision,
To become the person I'd always envisioned.
This forever changed soul,
Residing within this familiar shell..
Can contemplate heaven
After living thru hell.
The dark lonely night, the tragedy of death,
The excruciating pain, the emptiness left.
Each breath a reminder, each minute of despair
I now start to feel a charge in the air...
The sunrise came early, though did not close the night-
A sickness enveloped me as I sat in stunned contemplation,
My priorities now under review, so deeply disgusted by what was uncovered.
My view of self, a topic avoided, as to not come to terms
With this person I created....
I allowed it to happen, openly giving permission
To nameless faces in positions of power-
Eagerly seeking the next rung on the ladder.
As I reflect alone here in the dark,
My life in chaos, asking myself as to what was gained,
But more importantly lost...
Confidence destroyed, abilities debated, friendships ruined, and relationships negated.
Deriving my only sense of self worth thru titles bestowed
By corporate shot callers,
Displaying no soul.
I am more than what I had become,
And repulsed at how this realization occurred...
The death of my son shattered my world,
But the design and construction are mine to create,
And rebuild a new world I might slowly believe in.
A quiet calm quickly came then passed,
For maybe tonight I would be able to rest..
Nightmares don't scare me, my boogeyman gone...
I'm slowly looking forward to uncover
What will quietly become
A new form of normal...
Slowly discovered.
So not today, or even tomorrow
Not in time easily measured...
But maybe, just maybe when asked how I'm doing,
A genuine reply, no pretense or facade..
The answer will come from the person I'm becoming.
On my fortitude and resolve...
So I guess the facade is working,
Carefully crafted and rehearsed
To show that "I'm okay,"
Removing the awkwardness of others,
Not knowing what to say.
Like conversational niceties exchanged in a grocery line-
"So how are you feeling,"...My answer resigned.
Restrained to politely responding
"I'm coping..day to day."
Pleased with the answer they received in response
To a question so complicated,
And haunts my every thought.
For no one dare ask, "and how are your nights?"
The facade is designed, ingenious it seems-
To comfort well-wishers with one simple line.
The days are easier, and easily filled
With babies to hold and errands and bills:
Dreading the nightfall, as the hours give way
As the inevitable darkness closes the day.
The rise of the moon
Sets down my defenses.
Long evenings empty, though not alone..
My husband, so lovingly tries
To catch the silent tears as they stream from my eyes.
Although I know he wishes in vain,
So desperately tries to remove my pain.
As I watch my husband sleep, I too wish I could share that retreat...
With nothing to do to occupy the dark hours of night,
My anxious mind races thru thoughts
Of dark, haunted places.
Thoughts of what was, what never will be...
The person I was seems so foreign to me.
Now is the time to make the decision,
To become the person I'd always envisioned.
This forever changed soul,
Residing within this familiar shell..
Can contemplate heaven
After living thru hell.
The dark lonely night, the tragedy of death,
The excruciating pain, the emptiness left.
Each breath a reminder, each minute of despair
I now start to feel a charge in the air...
The sunrise came early, though did not close the night-
A sickness enveloped me as I sat in stunned contemplation,
My priorities now under review, so deeply disgusted by what was uncovered.
My view of self, a topic avoided, as to not come to terms
With this person I created....
I allowed it to happen, openly giving permission
To nameless faces in positions of power-
Eagerly seeking the next rung on the ladder.
As I reflect alone here in the dark,
My life in chaos, asking myself as to what was gained,
But more importantly lost...
Confidence destroyed, abilities debated, friendships ruined, and relationships negated.
Deriving my only sense of self worth thru titles bestowed
By corporate shot callers,
Displaying no soul.
I am more than what I had become,
And repulsed at how this realization occurred...
The death of my son shattered my world,
But the design and construction are mine to create,
And rebuild a new world I might slowly believe in.
A quiet calm quickly came then passed,
For maybe tonight I would be able to rest..
Nightmares don't scare me, my boogeyman gone...
I'm slowly looking forward to uncover
What will quietly become
A new form of normal...
Slowly discovered.
So not today, or even tomorrow
Not in time easily measured...
But maybe, just maybe when asked how I'm doing,
A genuine reply, no pretense or facade..
The answer will come from the person I'm becoming.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
What's In A Name?
Written so proudly
With a blue or red crayon;
The endearing art rendered
By a preschooler's hand...
So freely given; So eagerly received.
The bottom right corner, signed with your name...
Your driver's license;
And very first ticket...
A love letter...
Term paper...
Hastily written....
Your high school diploma;
Your college degree...
A wedding invitation;
With you as the groom...
Birth announcements;
Heralding a child...
The pride derived from watching your baby
Find his own way...
So passionately thought thru;
And anxiously discussed
Between the father;
And rapidly expanding mother.
Lovingly crafted for the baby inside her.
As they sit on the sofa, in gentle embrace;
These parents discuss this new life to discover...
Carefully designated, so proudly bestowed.
Of all of the dreams
And wishes for thee...
All of the places
We longed for your name to be...
Yet none of this will ever be;
As your beloved life
Was taken from me.
The life envisioned
Has been replaced;
The dreams for Liam Matthew
Forever held in place.
Your name will now forever be;
In the one place it should never see...
Eerily etched in granite block;
Denoting your eternal resting spot.
This granite monument now marks your name;
In a perfectly spaced designer font...
Not only signaling where your body lay;
But where our dreams for you are buried away.
For nothing can ever, ever replace
The handcrafted name
A crayon can create.
-Julie
With a blue or red crayon;
The endearing art rendered
By a preschooler's hand...
So freely given; So eagerly received.
The bottom right corner, signed with your name...
Your driver's license;
And very first ticket...
A love letter...
Term paper...
Hastily written....
Your high school diploma;
Your college degree...
A wedding invitation;
With you as the groom...
Birth announcements;
Heralding a child...
The pride derived from watching your baby
Find his own way...
So passionately thought thru;
And anxiously discussed
Between the father;
And rapidly expanding mother.
Lovingly crafted for the baby inside her.
As they sit on the sofa, in gentle embrace;
These parents discuss this new life to discover...
Carefully designated, so proudly bestowed.
Of all of the dreams
And wishes for thee...
All of the places
We longed for your name to be...
Yet none of this will ever be;
As your beloved life
Was taken from me.
The life envisioned
Has been replaced;
The dreams for Liam Matthew
Forever held in place.
Your name will now forever be;
In the one place it should never see...
Eerily etched in granite block;
Denoting your eternal resting spot.
This granite monument now marks your name;
In a perfectly spaced designer font...
Not only signaling where your body lay;
But where our dreams for you are buried away.
For nothing can ever, ever replace
The handcrafted name
A crayon can create.
-Julie
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
One day at a time..
One Day
One day at a time
Is all I can bear...
If I can make it thru this day
Then just maybe I can look back tomorrow
And know that I am strong, even in my weakness.
And sometimes being weak
Is the only way I can be.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Faith?
I find myself praying
With every single thought
To a God I once believed in-
But now find myself lost...
A prayer is still bestowed-
A plea made to above
To some nameless entity
I used to trust and love.
The betrayal of a god
With whom I placed so much trust
Lies with my buried child...
And whispers to the dust.
A faith that was unshakable
Has quickly been replaced
With a questioning of everything-
But lost is now my faith...
My baby has been buried,
For that alone I must believe
That possibly a god
Does not exist for me...
With every single thought
To a God I once believed in-
But now find myself lost...
A prayer is still bestowed-
A plea made to above
To some nameless entity
I used to trust and love.
The betrayal of a god
With whom I placed so much trust
Lies with my buried child...
And whispers to the dust.
A faith that was unshakable
Has quickly been replaced
With a questioning of everything-
But lost is now my faith...
My baby has been buried,
For that alone I must believe
That possibly a god
Does not exist for me...
For the fathers..
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief...
Since men don't cry, and men are strong,
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test-
To field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest...
They always ask if she's alright, and what she's going thru.
But seldom do they take his hand to ask "but how my friend are you?"
He hears her crying in the night-
And fears his heart will break.
He dries her eyes and comforts her...
Staying strong for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew-
And try to be so very brave...
For he lost his baby too.
To be a man in grief...
Since men don't cry, and men are strong,
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test-
To field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest...
They always ask if she's alright, and what she's going thru.
But seldom do they take his hand to ask "but how my friend are you?"
He hears her crying in the night-
And fears his heart will break.
He dries her eyes and comforts her...
Staying strong for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew-
And try to be so very brave...
For he lost his baby too.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Liam's Eulogy
My dearest baby Liam...
Oh, my little man. I miss you with every beat of my broken heart; with every thought in my clouded mind. My body yearns to hold you...to kiss your beautiful face, providing some form of comfort to you embark on your journey to heaven; forever leaving my arms to join Jesus for eternity. To stand by; helpless to protect you, powerless to help you; unable to simply be with you; is truly an excruciating, unspeakable injustice. Mommas protect their babies, and I could not protect you....
My baby Liam....
Although I know you now walk with God- I cannot help but to implore him, beg of him to provide us with some sort of answers...How could this God take our beautiful boy away from us? God has him for eternity...we had 11 short days...the injustice is almost too much to bear.
As parents, Chris and I have been robbed...Never will we experience the joy of watching Liam grow up; never will we experience the pride of guiding him through his troubles, wiping away his tears, and reveling in his successes.
Never will I be able to peer thru the back windows and watch Liam play catch with his dad; or see him off to play golf with his brothers and uncles.
Most distressing of all is knowing that we will never experience the fulfillment of guiding Liam and discovering the man he would have become. We will never have the unbridled thrill of partaking in his life's journey...guiding him thru his fears, easing his heartaches, and providing the kind of parental guidance that will drive him crazy at age 17 (for example: You will not die of embarrassment in the presence of your parents...Trust me- I'm living proof... to never, ever drink anything blue..it never ends well. Marry the one person you can't imagine your life without. and never, ever doubt that we love you unconditionally.) Although horribly embarrassing at the time, this parental advise will prove invaluable when he grows into a man (Of course, he will subsequently realize that maybe we're not quite as crazy as he thought we were... And blue drinks really, really are a bad idea. Blue drinks with umbrellas are even worse....)
Never will we have the opportunity to see our four children together, or delight in watching all four develop a friendship and relationship that can only be shared amongst siblings. Of course this "friendship" will develop many years after the 8 hour car trips to vacations each summer crammed into a minivan, and maybe after one older brother gave a younger one a swurlie or two...Point is, even after all the torture; there is nothing like the love of your siblings.
We have been robbed of watching our little man take the chances that will aid him in discovering the path for his own uncharted journey through this world. We will never have the opportunity to share in his joy, smugly remind him that we told him blue drinks are a bad idea, will not be able to celebrate his successes, hold him thru heartaches; watch him marry the love of his life; and never hold his child.
Now my baby Liam- In my heart of hearts I know that although you are no longer with us in this physical world; your short life has touched so many, and looking around this room; it is evident that all here with us today are struggling with an overwhelming sense of despair, anguish, and agony. So many love you; proof that your short eleven days on this earth has changed the lives of those here to celebrate the instant impact your spirit has made on so many.
I know a thousand words cannot bring you back- I know because I tried. And neither can a million tears...I know because I cried.
I will always remember my Liam as the tiny, perfect miracle who chose Chris and I to be his parents. I thank God we had the privilege of knowing this beautiful angel, and give praise I was able to experience Liam, Graeme, and Timothy gaining life thru my womb.
Our baby Liam will always remain as such in our hearts. It has been said that the greatest injustice in the world is for parents to bury their baby....There are no words, no actions, no magic, and no prayer that can bring him back to Chris and I. It is only now that I can begin to find peace in knowing that Liam is with us still...His spirit too innocent, his love too pure.
Liam is with the angels on high.... His spirit is now with you all- in the recesses of your hearts, in the prayers we offer; and in the soul of anyone in need of comfort and strength.
Our baby boy has become a guardian angel for our babies Timothy, Graeme and his big sister Madelynn. He is undoubtedly seeking to provide comfort and strength to those here on earth; and bringing tremendous happiness to those who have greeted Liam in heaven.
To Lynn Bylow; Fred Bylow; Frank and Marjorie Campbell; Juanita Campbell, and Margaret and James Friel are surely marveling over our beautiful baby boy.
For the other babies who too left this earth too soon; Christopher Campbell and Megan Thomas; it provides so much comfort to know that my baby is not alone and are united in heaven together until we are all reunited again. Christopher, Megan and Liam are undoubtedly happy to have each other and possibly now can lobby for a TV channel change; as there is truly only so much muted golf that one person can handle.
May God bless Liam, may God bless you all; and may God bless this family as we struggle to make some sort sense of this overwhelming despair, tragedy and loss.
My dearest Liam Matthew Bylow....I am so honored to be your momma....although 11 short days will never be enough time; I will carry you in my heart, in every step I take, every thought i hold, and every ounce of my being for the rest of my life.
Godspeed Little Man.
I love you.
From The Beginning...
Chris (my wonderfully perfect and ridiculously patient) husband and I decided it was time to have "one more." While the original question was more than likely if we wanted to open another bottle of wine (yes please...), the subsequent outcome of the proceeding conversation resulted in the decision to have one more child....
Our daughter was about to turn two; and by the sheer grace of God was the absolute best baby in the world. Sure, you may doubt me on this, but let me tell you...the girl is amazing. Sleeping thru the night at three months old; totally happy and overall scored off the charts on the adorablility scales. How much more fun would it be to have another little bean to snuggle with; to watch grow; and re-watch Baby Einstein "Baby Beethoven" 90,000 more times with?
We found out we were pregnant; and although excited...its also seriously terrifying. So this was really going to happen now...The pregnancy was confirmed by our OB; and the preparations began.
I started to notice something "felt" different with this pregnancy almost right away...I was so nauseous I couldn't lift my head off a pillow, food was a total no-go; and yet the beauty of dry heaving never ceased to amaze me. I was sick with Maddie, but this was way beyond what I felt before. Oh...I also had to work 50+ hours a week and hide my "condition." Not so much fun...Another glorious signal was the rapidly expanding size of my midsection. So; I of course knew that you show faster with your second than your first, but this was a bit out of control...My mom, surely trying to be sensitive, said that I looked "bigger,,," Just what you want to hear...
We had our 18-week ultrasound to determine if our little nausea machine was to be a girl (as I swore it was) or a boy ...Much to our surprise; the ultrasound determined that we were having twins...And twin boys at that... Since I'm a bit of a smart ass, no one believed us when we told them the results; but the families were so excited to have not one, but two new arrivals to anticipate in mid-September. As a result of the twin pregnancy; our OB referred us to a perinatal practice who specializes in multiples for a more "complete" ultrasound evaluation.
Chris had to attend a training on the day of the Dr's visit; so my mom volunteered to go with me. As we begin the ultrasound; the first image on the screen was three (yes...three) very clear circles.... In my typically uncensored way, I blurted out "Is that THREE in there??" The ultrasound tech (bless her heart) was unaware that we were unaware I was carrying triplets...Oh yes, and all boys. My first thoughts vascilated between figuring out where the hidden camera was, and panic...once we confirmed there were three babies; all I cared about was that all three were healthy and safe...I can tell you now that my life changed the moment those three little men appeared on the LCD TV in the darkened ultrasound room. Sure; twins was one thing; but THREE babies... there were no words.
Of course, panic eventually led way to excitement; and every subsequent Dr's appointment a) did not show any more babies in my belly and b) the babies were growing and progressing beautifully. We found we were to expect a set of identical twins; and a fraternal twin I came to affectionately refer to as my "lone ranger," as he became the explorer of my rib cage and was the largest of the baby boys I immediately love.
As my pregnancy progressed, my physical condition and overall comfort worsened. I developed preeclampsia in my first pregnancy; and was told that with multiples on board; my risk was quite elevated...Of course, I noticed my feet and legs beginning to swell, then noticing my face becoming a bit puffy...and increasingly so. As we moved thru the six and seventh month; my feet were so swollen no shoe on the planet would fit them; and my ankles had disappeared completely and now my entire leg was the width of my thighs (which, not to be left out; had also massively increased in size). "Cankles" (the affectionate term given by men and skinny women to denote the merging of the calf and ankle into one entity and body part) be damned... I had full on "Thankles;" which, as you can guess based upon the previous description; was the total elimination of any definition of ankle, calf, knee or thigh. They had all swollen together into one huge, edema-inflated pain in the ass (story for another time...).
So, all of this discomfort and subsequent bitchiness (sorry Chris); was indeed for a good cause..the babies looked amazing. Our goal was to make it to 32 weeks...
My last day of work was July 4th, or day 1 of week 28. I had a Dr's appointment on the 5th, and left the appointment with admission orders to the hospital for bed rest. My blood pressure was off the charts, and protein had been found in my urine...We were admitted to Banner Good Sam and hoped to "wait it out" for a few more weeks...
Of course, no such luck...my blood pressure rose steadily despite no activity...I gained over 40 pounds in 3 days in water weight alone... breathing became difficult; and no matter how much damn water I drank; nothing came out. I could hardly sleep, felt like shit; and honestly; wanted these babies out as much as I wanted to keep them in...
I awoke from an Ambien induced sleep on the morning of July 10th and felt like a giant weight was crushing my chest... Taking a deep breath was impossible; and this damn headache would not subside...my blood pressure continued to rise, fluid intake was increased; output did not...I was placed on oxygen to up my pulse oxygen levels; but to no avail... A nurse came in to pad my bed in case I began having seizures (not a comforting thought...) When the shift change occurred from day to night; a nurse who had not seen me in a few days noticed the fact I looked like death warmed over and pushed for the attending physician to see me...My lungs had begun to fill with fluid as a result of the preeclampsia. Next thing I know; my room was invaded by medical personnel prepping me for delivery. My heath had degenerated so quickly; that remaining pregnant placed an immediate threat on my life. The babies would have to arrive much earlier than expected. And I will carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life...
After what I thought would have been the scariest moment of my life; I was rushed to the OR with 40 of my new, closest medical friends and (thank god) an anesthesiologist.
Liam Matthew Bylow (aka: the Lone Ranger); Timothy James Bylow and Graeme Patrick Bylow were born at 10:51pm, 10:52pm and 10:53pm on July 10th. Although premature, they were little wonder babies...
Admitted to the NICU, I felt relieved that my baby boys were all born alive; all born as healthy as possible; and at that point; I thanked God for providing me these miracle baby boys....
July 10th was the last time my babies were ever in the same room, at the same time, and same place as Chris and I... July 10th was the birth of my little men. For eleven days; God let me see them, touch them and hold the dream that I would exit those hospital doors with three little babies packed carefully into their brand-new preemie car seats and secured safely into the brand new car we had to purchase to accommodate our rapid family expansion.
July 20th, I again prayed and thanked God for the health and blessing of my unexpectedly sizable family...
Upon receiving a call that Liam had become seriously ill overnight on the morning of July 21st, and that our presence was requested ASAP bedside; I prayed every prayer I knew...every Hail Mary, every Apostles Creed; and every Our Father that could be said was said; and in between these prayers I looked over at my stoic husband; frantically driving down the 51 to get to the hospital; all the while I'm alternately praying and begging God not to take my baby, rocking in a nearly catatonic state as I continued to pray....
We pulled up to the hospital valet, I threw myself out of the car and ran towards the NICU. I knew the moment I ran around the corner and saw all of the nurses in tears outside of my babies room...
I lost my faith in God that morning, July 21st at 9:11am. That was the day he took my baby and didn't let me say good-bye. That was the moment I knew I would have to bury my lone ranger...I felt my legs give out as I dropped to the floor in tears as the nurses held my dead baby in their arms.
My life, the life that had grown inside me; the life I gave birth to; was now gone...
Our daughter was about to turn two; and by the sheer grace of God was the absolute best baby in the world. Sure, you may doubt me on this, but let me tell you...the girl is amazing. Sleeping thru the night at three months old; totally happy and overall scored off the charts on the adorablility scales. How much more fun would it be to have another little bean to snuggle with; to watch grow; and re-watch Baby Einstein "Baby Beethoven" 90,000 more times with?
We found out we were pregnant; and although excited...its also seriously terrifying. So this was really going to happen now...The pregnancy was confirmed by our OB; and the preparations began.
I started to notice something "felt" different with this pregnancy almost right away...I was so nauseous I couldn't lift my head off a pillow, food was a total no-go; and yet the beauty of dry heaving never ceased to amaze me. I was sick with Maddie, but this was way beyond what I felt before. Oh...I also had to work 50+ hours a week and hide my "condition." Not so much fun...Another glorious signal was the rapidly expanding size of my midsection. So; I of course knew that you show faster with your second than your first, but this was a bit out of control...My mom, surely trying to be sensitive, said that I looked "bigger,,," Just what you want to hear...
We had our 18-week ultrasound to determine if our little nausea machine was to be a girl (as I swore it was) or a boy ...Much to our surprise; the ultrasound determined that we were having twins...And twin boys at that... Since I'm a bit of a smart ass, no one believed us when we told them the results; but the families were so excited to have not one, but two new arrivals to anticipate in mid-September. As a result of the twin pregnancy; our OB referred us to a perinatal practice who specializes in multiples for a more "complete" ultrasound evaluation.
Chris had to attend a training on the day of the Dr's visit; so my mom volunteered to go with me. As we begin the ultrasound; the first image on the screen was three (yes...three) very clear circles.... In my typically uncensored way, I blurted out "Is that THREE in there??" The ultrasound tech (bless her heart) was unaware that we were unaware I was carrying triplets...Oh yes, and all boys. My first thoughts vascilated between figuring out where the hidden camera was, and panic...once we confirmed there were three babies; all I cared about was that all three were healthy and safe...I can tell you now that my life changed the moment those three little men appeared on the LCD TV in the darkened ultrasound room. Sure; twins was one thing; but THREE babies... there were no words.
Of course, panic eventually led way to excitement; and every subsequent Dr's appointment a) did not show any more babies in my belly and b) the babies were growing and progressing beautifully. We found we were to expect a set of identical twins; and a fraternal twin I came to affectionately refer to as my "lone ranger," as he became the explorer of my rib cage and was the largest of the baby boys I immediately love.
As my pregnancy progressed, my physical condition and overall comfort worsened. I developed preeclampsia in my first pregnancy; and was told that with multiples on board; my risk was quite elevated...Of course, I noticed my feet and legs beginning to swell, then noticing my face becoming a bit puffy...and increasingly so. As we moved thru the six and seventh month; my feet were so swollen no shoe on the planet would fit them; and my ankles had disappeared completely and now my entire leg was the width of my thighs (which, not to be left out; had also massively increased in size). "Cankles" (the affectionate term given by men and skinny women to denote the merging of the calf and ankle into one entity and body part) be damned... I had full on "Thankles;" which, as you can guess based upon the previous description; was the total elimination of any definition of ankle, calf, knee or thigh. They had all swollen together into one huge, edema-inflated pain in the ass (story for another time...).
So, all of this discomfort and subsequent bitchiness (sorry Chris); was indeed for a good cause..the babies looked amazing. Our goal was to make it to 32 weeks...
My last day of work was July 4th, or day 1 of week 28. I had a Dr's appointment on the 5th, and left the appointment with admission orders to the hospital for bed rest. My blood pressure was off the charts, and protein had been found in my urine...We were admitted to Banner Good Sam and hoped to "wait it out" for a few more weeks...
Of course, no such luck...my blood pressure rose steadily despite no activity...I gained over 40 pounds in 3 days in water weight alone... breathing became difficult; and no matter how much damn water I drank; nothing came out. I could hardly sleep, felt like shit; and honestly; wanted these babies out as much as I wanted to keep them in...
I awoke from an Ambien induced sleep on the morning of July 10th and felt like a giant weight was crushing my chest... Taking a deep breath was impossible; and this damn headache would not subside...my blood pressure continued to rise, fluid intake was increased; output did not...I was placed on oxygen to up my pulse oxygen levels; but to no avail... A nurse came in to pad my bed in case I began having seizures (not a comforting thought...) When the shift change occurred from day to night; a nurse who had not seen me in a few days noticed the fact I looked like death warmed over and pushed for the attending physician to see me...My lungs had begun to fill with fluid as a result of the preeclampsia. Next thing I know; my room was invaded by medical personnel prepping me for delivery. My heath had degenerated so quickly; that remaining pregnant placed an immediate threat on my life. The babies would have to arrive much earlier than expected. And I will carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life...
After what I thought would have been the scariest moment of my life; I was rushed to the OR with 40 of my new, closest medical friends and (thank god) an anesthesiologist.
Liam Matthew Bylow (aka: the Lone Ranger); Timothy James Bylow and Graeme Patrick Bylow were born at 10:51pm, 10:52pm and 10:53pm on July 10th. Although premature, they were little wonder babies...
Admitted to the NICU, I felt relieved that my baby boys were all born alive; all born as healthy as possible; and at that point; I thanked God for providing me these miracle baby boys....
July 10th was the last time my babies were ever in the same room, at the same time, and same place as Chris and I... July 10th was the birth of my little men. For eleven days; God let me see them, touch them and hold the dream that I would exit those hospital doors with three little babies packed carefully into their brand-new preemie car seats and secured safely into the brand new car we had to purchase to accommodate our rapid family expansion.
July 20th, I again prayed and thanked God for the health and blessing of my unexpectedly sizable family...
Upon receiving a call that Liam had become seriously ill overnight on the morning of July 21st, and that our presence was requested ASAP bedside; I prayed every prayer I knew...every Hail Mary, every Apostles Creed; and every Our Father that could be said was said; and in between these prayers I looked over at my stoic husband; frantically driving down the 51 to get to the hospital; all the while I'm alternately praying and begging God not to take my baby, rocking in a nearly catatonic state as I continued to pray....
We pulled up to the hospital valet, I threw myself out of the car and ran towards the NICU. I knew the moment I ran around the corner and saw all of the nurses in tears outside of my babies room...
I lost my faith in God that morning, July 21st at 9:11am. That was the day he took my baby and didn't let me say good-bye. That was the moment I knew I would have to bury my lone ranger...I felt my legs give out as I dropped to the floor in tears as the nurses held my dead baby in their arms.
My life, the life that had grown inside me; the life I gave birth to; was now gone...
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