I visited your grave today-
And all of the words I'd wanted to say;
Quietly formed into a frantic storm...
I'm so angry and yet they word barely describes
The self imposed isolation and halfhearted replies...

How could you leave me;
And not say goodbye?
To be forever be haunted
By an arrival too late...
I missed your last breaths; and the smell of your hair-
the color of your eyes, and soul-shattering prayer...

I know I should be happy;
With your brothers doing so well-
But I was to have three babies to care for; this shift too unreal...

I feed two babies, swaddle and kiss them at every chance,
Praying to a god I'm not sure exists...
To let them come home...
I cant live like this...

But my broken heart shatters,
Even more each time;
My baby boy Liam; you should be beside
Your brothers as they grow bigger each day...
Another milestone achieved and yet my heart swells inside;
Even tho broken, it swells with pride.

I quickly snap back, and remember my place...
For I'm not at the hospital; I'm alone at your side..
Knowing there is no comfort my arms can provide,

The irrational thoughts
Race thru my mind...
So much of me is with you, there buried inside.
And so in the sane moments of bereaved mothers soul;
I whisper I love you and promise you so...
To someday rejoin you...and smell you sweet hair;
No final prayer, no words of despair.

But that day is not to be,
I place flowers lovingly in the vase in the grass
Staring at the spot where my soul lies underground.
All of these thoughts are swirling inside;
This desperate mom's mind;
As I contemplate the life I was unable to save...
All of these thoughts...

When I visit your grave....