The Night

So many often comment
On my fortitude and resolve...
So I guess the facade is working,
Carefully crafted and rehearsed
To show that "I'm okay,"
Removing the awkwardness of others,
Not knowing what to say.
Like conversational niceties exchanged in a grocery line-
"So how are you feeling,"...My answer resigned.
Restrained to politely responding
"I'm coping..day to day."
Pleased with the answer they received in response
To a question so complicated,
And haunts my every thought.

For no one dare ask, "and how are your nights?"
The facade is designed, ingenious it seems-
To comfort well-wishers with one simple line.

The days are easier, and easily filled
With babies to hold and errands and bills:
Dreading the nightfall, as the hours give way
As the inevitable darkness closes the day.

The rise of the moon
Sets down my defenses.
Long evenings empty, though not alone..
My husband, so lovingly tries
To catch the silent tears as they stream from my eyes.
Although I know he wishes in vain,
So desperately tries to remove my pain.

As I watch my husband sleep, I too wish I could share that retreat...
With nothing to do to occupy the dark hours of night,
My anxious mind races thru thoughts
Of dark, haunted places.
Thoughts of what was, what never will be...
The person I was seems so foreign to me.
Now is the time to make the decision,
To become the person I'd always envisioned.
This forever changed soul,
Residing within this familiar shell..
Can contemplate heaven
After living thru hell.

The dark lonely night, the tragedy of death,
The excruciating pain, the emptiness left.
Each breath a reminder, each minute of despair
I now start to feel a charge in the air...
The sunrise came early, though did not close the night-

A sickness enveloped me as I sat in stunned contemplation,
My priorities now under review, so deeply disgusted by what was uncovered.
My view of self, a topic avoided, as to not come to terms
With this person I created....
I allowed it to happen, openly giving permission
To nameless faces in positions of power-
Eagerly seeking the next rung on the ladder.
As I reflect alone here in the dark,
My life in chaos, asking myself as to what was gained,
But more importantly lost...
Confidence destroyed, abilities debated, friendships ruined, and relationships negated.
Deriving my only sense of self worth thru titles bestowed
By corporate shot callers,
Displaying no soul.

I am more than what I had become,
And repulsed at how this realization occurred...
The death of my son shattered my world,
But the design and construction are mine to create,
And rebuild a new world I might slowly believe in.

A quiet calm quickly came then passed,
For maybe tonight I would be able to rest..
Nightmares don't scare me, my boogeyman gone...
I'm slowly looking forward to uncover
What will quietly become
A new form of normal...
Slowly discovered.

So not today, or even tomorrow
Not in time easily measured...
But maybe, just maybe when asked how I'm doing,
A genuine reply, no pretense or facade..
The answer will come from the person I'm becoming.